Long and Overdue

When I started this blog several months ago, I had every intention of writing and publishing several articles a month. I thought that by writing about my life and what I am going through, that I could help others while also helping myself. It turns out it is much harder than I thought it would be. I started several articles but never finished them (and it’s not because I run out of things to say). I have so much I want to talk about. But I want to be a positive influence. Unfortunately, my life circumstances make it very hard to keep in a positive mindset. I can start out writing with a chipper, glass-half-full type of attitude but by a few minutes in, my reality sets in and I start feeling like a fraud. So, I stop.

Today, I am choosing to write and complete a whole post no matter what. I apologize to those of you who do not want to hear the less positive side of things, but I need to do this. Don’t worry, I will spare you gory details, but I will be open and honest.

My Reality

We are now half-way through November. We have gotten about six inches of fresh snow at my farm so far today and it is still coming down at a steady pace. My animals seem less than thrilled, as am I. The amount of work that comes with the white stuff outweighs the beauty in my book. I spent a couple hours outside this morning feeding, blanketing, and loving on the fury and feathered creatures. The deck and porch are already covered with two more inches of snow where I had just shoveled before coming inside for lunch. I’m not sure if it is the snow that is cause for my extra down-ness today or if it is just the never ceasing thoughts of living with cancer. There is a constant battle going on that is only apparent in my thoughts. If you walked past me on the street, you wouldn’t know. But inside me there is a battle going on against stage 4 cancer that they tell me I will not win. I don’t always know how to deal with that emotionally.

Some days I hide it well. Some days I just hide.

Today, I am doing the latter. I don’t plan to see anyone so the tears will flow freely. But being trapped with my thoughts about cancer every moment of the day is exhausting. I do things to try to forget until before I know it, it has snuck its way to the forefront of my mind again. Then I try to do something else yet nothing seems to drown out the thoughts for very long. This little dance gets replayed over and over and over. The truth is I’m not very good at fighting the mental battle. Anyone who has had or has cancer can probably relate (and honestly, if you have experience or advice with this, please reach out to me!). It is a very lonely feeling. It is even harder when I think of the folks who have it worse off than me. I feel guilty for even complaining. However, we are all going through something. I always tell my friends and loved ones not to hold back from complaining or sharing their struggles with me just because I have a fight with cancer going on, so I need to do the same. Besides, I actually have some decent news to share with you.

Finally, Some Encouraging News

I’ve refrained from writing about my cancer journey for quite a while now. As I mentioned before, I don’t really like writing unless I have something positive to talk about. Back in the spring I was told (based on the growth pattern of the cancer) that I should anticipate starting chemo again around the end of August. Well, at my August scan the growth rate of present tumors significantly slowed down and for the first time (Thank God!) there were no new tumors detected. We decided to hold off and recheck in October. At the October scans, we were once again surprised that the growth was very minimal. We kicked the can further down the road to December and that is where things sit now. So, my next scans are scheduled for later in December to see where things stand and what type of treatment should be considered. Even though this has been relatively good news, it is still very stressful. It’s like we are just waiting for the ball to drop.

I am blessed to have a couple friends who are willing to take impromptu short road trips to help get my mind off of cancer. In late August I went out to South Dakota with one of my dearest high school friends and she and I had the best time! It was only for a few days but it was just as much medicine as anything else. We got in some hiking, sightseeing, and best of all, horseback riding in the Black Hills. She also provided me with a safe space to talk about my fears as well as my hopes and dreams. We shared many laughs and tears. It was clear that God was present on our trip and He is present in my cancer journey.

Evening Update

It is now late evening and there is about a foot of snow out there. I received a phone call from my kids’ school earlier stating that they were going to have an e-learning day tomorrow due to the weather. It is so unfortunate that they do not just let them have snow day. Snow days were the absolute best when I was growing up. Now with the onslaught of technology and screens, you’d think the school leaders could just let kids be kids and enjoy a day out in the snow. There is so much snow to shovel and it would be great to have my helpers out there with me.

Anyway, I decided to write today and to put my honest feelings out there just in case one of you needed a reminder that you are not alone. I need that reminder sometimes, too. It’s also good to remember that things are not always as they seem. We could all do better to check in on our loved ones and be sure to look beyond the surface level. Some of us are better at hiding our feelings than we should be.