Finding Courage

Today is Wednesday, February 8. Since my last visit to Mayo in December, I’ve been doing that ‘avoiding the conversation’ thing that I always do when I struggle to put words together. It’s partly because the hard news I hear from my doctors is not something that I want to partner with. I convince myself that if I don’t talk about it, then maybe it’s not true. It’s also partly because it can be very hard for me to find the courage. I try to find things to keep my mind busy. Thankfully my kids are pretty good at keeping me busy and boy do I enjoy being their momma bear! However, lately I’ve had several people ask me about my health situation, so I decided I need to find that courage and fill you all in on what’s happening. Today was a long and emotional day for me so I decided now is the time to get this off my chest. I know there are so many of you who are still in my corner and want to hear about what is going on. I’m truly grateful for that. Besides, how can I ask you for prayers if you don’t know what to pray for?

Hard Reality

Near the end of December, I had appointments with my oncologist and consults in vascular medicine. The oncologist told me that there was about 10-15% growth in several tumors in and around my chest. That was more than the last scan I had in October, so I didn’t like hearing it. I had a very stressful month of December so I’m thinking that contributed to the growth. Just like when not in the best physical condition, I believe cancer attacks a person more when they are not in the best mental condition. December was hard mentally, physically, and emotionally. I arrived in Rochester fresh off of a three-week sickness. On top of that I had all the stresses of the holidays (and more) and some pretty treacherous weather and travel conditions. After my October scans when everything was holding with only very small amounts of growth, I was hoping that maybe things were turning towards a better trajectory. But that was not the case this last time.

After learning the bad news that cancer was growing more again, I had a follow-up visit with vascular medicine. They were more concerned with the condition of my veins than I was expecting. Unfortunately, a few areas that were reconstructed during my big open-heart surgery did not hold up well. I have several areas that completely closed off and another near my heart that appears to be on the verge of closing. That area is the superior vena cava. That particular vein is the one that brings the blood from your upper body back to the heart. It’s a large vein, usually bigger than the size of your thumb. Mine is now the size of a toothpick. That would explain much of the circulation problems I have. They were adamant that I have to remain on blood thinners to try to prevent a clot from blocking the now tiny vein. However, they didn’t offer any other type of intervention options. They said a stent or balloon isn’t an option due to the fragility of the bovine tissue that the reconstructed vein was made from. It didn’t sound like reparative surgery was an option either. They said to try not to overexert myself since that could create emergency problems. All of this left me feeling extremely vulnerable and sort of like a ticking time bomb. I just wish they could have given me some hope. The unseen battle happing inside me is hard. All I can do is continue to walk around and put a smile on my face and hopefully someone else’s.

Cancer Takes, But God Gives

About a week after my return back home, I received news that a good friend and fellow cancer warrior had lost her battle with the horrible disease. This left me with many feelings that I am still trying to sort through. I feel so sad for her family. It knocks the wind out of me when I think of her children. Her beautiful babies are very close in age to my kids, and it just breaks my heart. It angers me. Cancer is such a ******* (fill in the blank with your favorite harsh word)! This is not supposed to happen! Cancer should not be taking lives aways from mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, children and friends. It is a nasty, evil disease and we need to find a cure for it. I’m tired of fighting it but I am not ready to give up. I believe God has a plan for me and it’s a plan that I need to fulfill here on earth. Part of that plan includes raising my children to become wonderful adults, and let me tell you, they are well on their way. Each one of them is so loving and kind. I am often overcome with gratitude when I look at them and realize how much of a gift from God they are to me. They are what keeps me going on a daily basis.

Second Opinion

For the past couple months, it has weighed heavy on my heart to go somewhere and get a second opinion. Maybe even a third opinion. I’ve been looking into a few places that have been recommended to me by either friends, acquaintances, or even strangers. My focus is on the ones that were recommended by more than one person at different times because I am always trying to find the path that God wants me to follow. Even though I believe He led me to Mayo in the beginning and I am grateful for some of the life savings measures I received there, it’s been starting to feel more like they are writing me off as a lost cause. I need to find a place where the doctors want to cure me as much as I do. I have called and/or sent in a few appointment requests but haven’t heard back from any of them yet. Please let me know if you have any recommendations or advice. I am open to all kinds of suggestions.

Thursday, February 9

This morning, I had a conversation with my kids about taking a short trip to either Texas or Arizona soon. I asked them which of those places they would want to go, and they said either. I chose those areas because of the warm climate and because I love anything to do with horses and farming. There are many options for activities related to those in both places. Then a couple hours later I got a call from my brother and mentioned in conversation that I have been looking into a clinic to go to for a second opinion. I told him that I had reached out to a few including the well-known Cleveland Clinic. Without knowing any of this prior, he tells me that he has been researching a place in Texas that might be worth looking into. He even had email conversations with them but didn’t know if he should bring it up to me. Since I opened the conversation about a second opinion with him, he felt he needed to share. It happens to be one of the places another friend and fellow cancer warrior recommended to me early on in my diagnosis.

My brother didn’t know I had just talked to my kids this morning about going to Texas for a short vacation and he didn’t know I was considering a second opinion. These are the kind of coincidences (I don’t believe in coincidences) that catch my attention. I humbly share this with you because this clinic is expensive and not something I will be able to afford on my own and my insurance won’t cover it. If I decide to book the trip to Texas, I will be calling to try to schedule a consultation. I am not going to start a campaign to raise funds for it, but if you are someone who has the means and God puts it on your heart to want to help with medical costs, I will graciously accept your help. I hate that the medical community has come to a place where they profit so much off of the suffering of people. But I want to live. I want to be here for my family and friends for many years to come. I need to try and do everything possible.

Please say some prayers that things will work out as they are meant to, and that cancer is shriveled and gone from my body and that my veins hold out. Please also say a prayer for all the families who lost a loved one due to cancer and anyone else currently battling it. The battle is hard on each front: physically, mentally, emotionally, and finacially.

God bless you all!